To The Aspiring Sociopath

There are many ways to get away with shooting someone. You can go into hiding, run from the cops, frame someone, and countless other ways. Vice President Dick Cheney took a very different path however, and was very very successful in it. I bet you don’t even remember it happened he was so good. You probably thought it was very funny at the time but have since moved on. Yes, that’s how genius our vice president is. I have studied the maneuvers of this sly fox and am here today to describe to the aspiring sociopath how to perform the crime but not do the time.

First of course you have to become Vice President. This is not a job for the charismatic. You really need to embrace the fact that most people probably think either you’ve got downs syndrome or you’re an android. If you wait till after your body starts to get old and break down (ie: after a few heart attacks and such) you can probably put enough machinery in your body to legally be considered a cyborg. This will help you hide your glee at getting away with shooting someone. Once you have mastered having the personality of a dead horse you need to go about helping your running mate get elected. If you’re dragging him down too much by setting off the evil detectors you should go about rigging the election. Concentrate on one state that most people think is already incompetent. Florida is a good one. Disenfranchising black voters is not only easy if you’re a maniacal GOP fetish kind of guy, but fun too.

You need to make sure you’re not the first guy to do this. The first guy always gets busted. Luckily for you this did happen once in history in 1804 when Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. It helped that they were both trying to shoot each other of course but you needn’t worry yourself with details like that.
Once you’ve been successfully elected wait a while. At this point, preparation for the actual shooting is vital. You must choose your setting, your weapons, and of course your victim.

Setting is very important. You’ve got to pick somewhere remote, but not remote enough that people think you planned to shoot someone there. Texas is full of places like that. Also, as an added bonus, Texas is full of Texans, who as we all know are biologically prone to getting shot. And despite the occasionally wheezing and coughing afterwards, they recover quite quickly, even in old age. And if you do happen to accidentally do kill your victim, paint him brown and
give him a sombrero and I guarantee not one Texan will object.

Your weapon is very important as well. You obviously want him to suffer a little or you wouldn’t be doing this all. After all, you are one sick bastard, you wouldn’t be very qualified to run the country if you weren’t. A BB gun or a small caliber rifle are out of the question. A pistol makes you look like a thug, and explosives are too messy. I suggest a shotgun. Whichever weapon you would hunt an animal of the same intelligence as your victim with. Quail are a great choice.

Your victim is the most important piece of this puzzle. You need to choose someone meek and unobtrusive, but you can’t just pick a hobo up off the street, you need someone who runs in your same circles. Nobody really likes lawyers, and the fact that they are very resilient (especially if they’re from Texas) makes the whole nation laugh at both you and your victim. Make sure your victim is of your political party and kind of a suck up. The kind of guy who would apologize to you and your family for what you’re going through after shooting him (yes Harry Whittington actually did this). Once you’ve picked the right dolt, you’re in the gold. The only thing left is your alibi.

Hunting. I’m not even going to give you options here. If rednecks can get away with offing each other in “Hunting Accidents” then there’s no way you won’t get away with this. You could probably shoot me and call it a hunting accident and I wouldn’t blame you. It’s really the American Way. And if you’re the vice president you really want to pull the patriotism card with whomever you kill.

Shooting someone can be a very rewarding activity, and everybody admires people who have the balls to do it. Once you’ve done the deed, make sure to go out and celebrate somehow. Get a tattoo, drink until you spew, have another heart attack. You really don’t have to report that you’ve shot someone until the next day anyways. And if anybody asks you can just say you were in shock or something dumb like that (the American public will overlook the fact that you aren’t capable of emotion here). Till the next administration, stay safe and happy hunting.